David Madore's WebLog: Random jokes for my birthday

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Random jokes for my birthday

An atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, hey buddy, you gotta help me… I lost an electron!

Bartender says back, Are you sure?

Atom replies, Yeah, I'm positive.

A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender, How much do I owe you?

Bartender, For you, no charge.

So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here. Helium doesn't react.

Higgs boson goes into a church. Priest says we don't allow any God particles here. Higgs boson says, then how do you have mass?

A Freudian slip is when you think one thing and say your mother.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I am a solipsist, and I can't understand why everyone else isn't too.

Two behaviorists meet. One says to the other: You're fine. How am I?

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

And when the Buddhist asks for his change, the vendor replies: Change comes from within.

I got expelled from college for cheating during my metaphysics final. I got caught looking into the soul of the guy next to me. [Woody Allen]

A Franciscan priest sits down next to a a Jesuit priest while riding a train to Rome. After a while the Franciscan notices that the Jesuit is smoking and praying.

Franciscan: I'm surprised to see you doing that. Jesuit: Why's that? Franciscan: Well, our order asked the Holy Father for permission to do that and were denied. Jesuit: Really? We asked the Pope, and he said we could. What did you ask him? Franciscan: We asked if we could smoke while we prayed, and he said no. Jesuit: Ahhhh! That's the problem. We Jesuits asked if we could pray while we smoked, and he said, of course!

The tomb of Jesus is discovered, with a body inside. A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are called on the spot to ascertain that this is, indeed, the body of Jesus. The Franciscan emerges first, crying: Christ didn't resurrect? Then the world is devoid of meaning! The Dominican comes next, thoughtful: That's bothersome: now we'll have to interpret resurrection metaphorically, and a lot of theology will have to be rewritten. The Jesuit emerges at last, amazed and joyous: It's wonderful! So Jesus really existed!

The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible. Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, What's a four letter word for woman ending in UNT?

The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said, Uh… er… aunt! Yes, aunt!

Oh, of course. Got an eraser?

A good classicist never declines sex.

M. C. Escher is looking for his impossible cube. I think it's in the basement, he thinks. Let me go upstairs and check.

A friend is trying to set up an appointment with Sartre. How about Tuesday? Are you free? Answers Sartre: I've spent the last ten years trying to answer that question. [insp. Monty Python]

Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them?

Did you hear Heisenberg had to get his speedometer removed from his car because every time he looked at it he got lost?

Did you hear Heisenberg had terrible problems in his sex life? Whenever he found the right position, he lacked the momentum; and whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not? Gödel replies, We can't know that because we're inside the joke. Chomsky says, Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.

How many University of Chicago economists does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

None, the market will take care of itself.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1: he gives it to 6 Californians thus reducing it to a previously solved joke.

Q: What does the B. in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for?

A: Benoît B. Mandelbrot

Q: What's an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

What is a comathematician? A machine for turning cotheorems into ffee.

Two guys walk into a bar. One orders 3 beers for himself. The other decides to out-do his friend and orders 10 beers.

The bartender looks at him startled and says: Wow, that's an order of magnitude.

A nearby customer who feels an urge to be at the center of attention tops this by ordering 100 beers.

Whereupon the bartender : Now we have two orders of magnitude!

The bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve your kind here. A tachyon enters a bar.

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: Beer for everyone?

The first logician answers: I don't know.

The second logician answers: I don't know.

The third logician answers: Yes.

There are three types of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can't.

I know a great joke about UDP, but I don't know whether you'll get it.

Theft in an Apple Store: 15000€ of equipment have been stolen.

But the police think they can find the thieves and the two computers in question.

The scene is 1930, in a German school.

Teacher: Can somebody tell me why we lost the great war? Yes, Moshe?

Moshe: It's because of all those Jewish generals.

Teacher: Yes, Moshe, very good… But wait a minute, there weren't any Jewish generals in our army!

Moshe: Not the German army. The French.

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