In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? The cuckoo-clock. -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" % The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes into a drawer. Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The crisis passed. Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured. The crisis passed. A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank into his chair, and opened the third envelope. "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. % Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" % Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. -- Winston Churchill % SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson % War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. % Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" % Brain damage is all in your head. -- Karl Lehenbauer % Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. -- Fred Brooks % A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" % I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. % The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. % BASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. % Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain % Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. % -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. -- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation of a lucrative nature. -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. % When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make. % Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. % One seldom sees a monument to a committee. % As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service conversion to a new computer system. % Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". % "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery.'" -- Comedian Jay Leno % Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods. % Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irwin Edman % When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw % A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes before replying. "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved enlightenment, several years later. Commentary: His Master is kind, Answering his FAQ quickly, With thought and sarcasm. % Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. % If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. -- Gauss Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists stand on each other's toes. -- Richard Hamming It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and software engineers dig each other's graves. -- Unknown % Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein % QOTD: "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." % He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. % Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. % QOTD: If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. % It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right. % Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. % There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols % When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." -- Vine Deloria, Jr. % A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. % Support your right to arm bears!! % It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. -- Jerome K. Jerome % I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. -- Lenny Bruce % The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" % A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget % Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password. % I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. % Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. % Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself. % I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- Escher % If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train. -- Robert Lowell % Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. % The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. -- H. L. Mencken % The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. % "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe" % If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. % A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" "It will take one year," said the master promptly. "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it take it I assign ten programmers to it?" The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be completed," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. -- Woody Allen % Law of Continuity: Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way. % In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. % Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. (Unknown source) % God is real, unless declared integer. % God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. % When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Sacha Guitry % Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... % "I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished. % The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. % I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. % When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto the bar, "*everybody* pays!" % "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." % The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? % Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. -- Ernest Haskins % f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. % You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- You are permanently confused. -- Dave Decot % Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." % A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey Clark % Computer science: (1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. (2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. (3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. (4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. (5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. (6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. % Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. % There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence. % Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? % Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" % I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff. % TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. % If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. - Woody Allen % When it's dark enough you can see the stars. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, % Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. % Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." -- David Letterman % To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. -- H. Poincare % MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! % This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill % The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain % QOTD: "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off." % Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year. % If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence Day % Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. % Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld % A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -- Milton Berle % We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. (seen in someone's .signature) % In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. % Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." (2) "You and what army?" (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." % Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. % Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, Fain how I pause at your nature specific, Loftily poised in the ether capacious, Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, Fain how I pause at your nature specific. % The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen % Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. -- W. Clement Stone % Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? -- Gallagher % You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -- Jeannette Rankin % if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) { printf("Don't Panic!\n"); exit(42); } (Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS) % Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. -- Pete Seeger % Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". % You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to. % Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late. 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your own ear. 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. It's what's in it that matters. 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye, Seattle. 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo. 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" % Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." % Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. % Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. % Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -- Dave Butler % millihelen, n.: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. % Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- Anonymous % If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? % He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- % Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. -- Walt Kelly % A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop." "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." % A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her goodbye, and runs out the front door. He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the doorway. "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling again!" % During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." % Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded. % When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. % Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some contraceptives. ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? % After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a name for my baby." "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first name." % Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. % A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer sitting in the yard watching the pig. "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed. "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life." "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?" The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." % Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. % I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. % It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. -- Winston Churchill [Right. Tell it to Oscar.] % The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." "What kind of family do you come from?" "A rich, Jewish family." "And your wife?" "A German aristocrat." "Have you ever been to the West?" "I spent most of my life in England." "How did you make a living there?" "A friend supported me." "Where did you get the money from?" "He owned a textile factory." "Who was Lenin?" "Never heard of him." "What is your name?" "Karl Marx." % If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. -- Fran Lebowitz % Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin Dobson % My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat. % The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" % Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. -- John Cameron Swayze % Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!" "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?" "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now." % As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." % This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Douglas Hofstadter % One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes." The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march to Poland three times and never invade?" The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." % World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God said, "It will be done." The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small cup of coffee." % Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? % Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. -- Woody Allen % Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. % QOTD: "The only real difference between men and women is that men are crabby all month long." % FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 What to do... if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension? Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut. % If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle % Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. % The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity. -- Benjamin Disraeli % Lavish spending can be disastrous. Don't buy any lavishes for a while. % Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" % "What is the Nature of God?" CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 1/2 CUT CHIVES. STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." -- Bloom County % Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle. % An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. % Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. % "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." % The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let me catch you wearing my things again." % Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. -- Woodie Guthrie % Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. -- Roger Price % Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. % If God is dead, who will save the Queen? % The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. -- Nicol Williamson % Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? % Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene. % Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. % This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request that you not use abusive language to our tellers." M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to open a fuckin' savings account!" Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" % Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat. -- Christopher Morley % To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. % Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse for some of the brain-damages of minix. (Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum) % "Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing." -- Robert Orben % "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." -- Mark Twain % Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey. % If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-Duff % I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is the sky blue?" HE asked me about black holes in space. (There's a hole *where*?) I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) I talked about Choo-Choo trains. HE talked internal combustion engines. (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete as equals. HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create the graphics. Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." (Gotcha!) -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" % I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein % If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. % Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. -- Anatole France % With a bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. % Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir % Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!" % God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. % Hear that... they cancelled Easter this year? Found the body. % If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? % "If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system." (By Linus Torvalds) % Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R.S. Barton % We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. % Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. It is with greatest pleasure that I sign this confession of capital crimes. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? % FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 What to do... if reality disappears? Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. % FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 What to do... if you get a phone call from Mars: Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. if he, she or it doesn't speak English? Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before calling. if you get a phone call from Jupiter? Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the charges may have been reversed. % A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... water..." "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." "They're only four dollars apiece." "I need *water*." "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and he heads off into the distance. The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." % Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" % Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The Mahabharata % By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. -- Anatole France % Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. % Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. % From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. % If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted. % If you want divine justice, die. -- Nick Seldon % If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss. % In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left. % In the long run we are all dead. -- John Maynard Keynes % In the next world, you're on your own. % It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". % Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. % One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers went to speak with him. "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow students inquired. "It is", Kyogen answered. "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. % There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'" % To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. % Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the dry side. "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." % What we Are is God's gift to us. What we Become is our gift to God. % You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. % You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. % Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never believe you anyway. -- Elbert Hubbard % If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. % Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. % It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus. -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. % Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! % Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Could we maybe talk?" The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would have to be the "back door". As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday. Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver." % "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." % Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. It'll cost you though". "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" "An arm and a leg", said God. Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get for a rib?" % For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton % Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. % Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... % Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: (10) Sorry, but that's too useful. (9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! (8) I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell #pragma is for. (7) Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too hard to write. (6) Them bats is smart; they use radar. (5) All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? (4) How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" (3) Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. (2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. (1) Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. % A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second language?" % A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers are lovers." Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" "Yeah. Me and my sister." % Save the whales. Collect the whole set. % AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. % Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. % "The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults." -- Peter De Vries % Not me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness reads the Bible. No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible. Excuse me... (More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc) % Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. % If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? % senility, n.: The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree. % People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do. % You're using a keyboard! How quaint! % Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. % All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. % Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries % Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" % In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. -- Adlai Stevenson % In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs. % So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. % If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the way they do? % You are here: *** *** ********* ******* ***** *** * But you're not all there. % Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac % In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. -- Mark Twain % As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, The words were torn and tattered, From the storm the night before, The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. % Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! % A king's castle is his home. % It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. % "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" -- Robert Orben % If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. % Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. % DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. % The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent. % Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. % Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium. % Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. % The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. % Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. % Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them. % My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!! % It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White % The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success of the barbecue. % A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. -- Robert Frost % One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan is that there never was a plan in the first place. % I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY ... BACKWARDS!! % Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. % Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me? % Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. % Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? % Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. % The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. % The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. -- Benjamin Franklin. % Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover % One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." % "You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" "Yeah." "So then there's a fifth group, right?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." % The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. -- Mike Smith % The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. -- David Gerrold % You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. % Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time. % The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture. % You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. % Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F.M. Hubbard % America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman. % The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of adventurous youth. -- Benjamin Cardozo % I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. To see the sights I'm never going to visit. % If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. % 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth By market's wrath unphased. that falls! Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, Came waffling with the truth too good, Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! and through The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers Did gyre and tumble in the Crash All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers And mammon's wrath them bash! -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" % -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. % -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation. -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. % My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! % Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. % I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on the same day. % Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee ... in Brazil. 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped. 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" % A tautology is a thing which is tautological. % QOTD: "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? How... tribal." % life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. % Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. % QOTD: "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." % QOTD: "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." % QOTD: "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." % QOTD: "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" % QOTD: "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" % QOTD: "Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part." % QOTD: All I want is more than my fair share. % QOTD: Sacred cows make great hamburgers. % When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" -- Turkish proverb % The Marines: The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. % He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die. -- Giacomo Leopardi % Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. % QOTD: "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish." % Steele's Law: There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men or fewer than one hundred. % Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. % You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is. % The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones % "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant." % Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. % It's never too late to have a happy childhood. % The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. % Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. % HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. % Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. % Isn't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. % The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. % Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That's the spirit! -- The Last Starfighter % A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood waiting for a taxi. "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." % Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them? % If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? % "The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs." -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul2.222039.26476@netlabs.com> % "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot." % I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good. That would be dishonest. % Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast. % Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, "and some cigarettes." % Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions. % My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" -- Sue Murphy % Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: PI Punch Invalid POPI Punch Operator Immediately PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RASC Read And Shred Card RPM Read Programmers Mind RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) RTAB Rewind tape and break RWDSK rewind disk RWOC Read Writing On Card SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write SLC Search for Lost Chord SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk STROM Store in Read Only Memory TDB Transfer and Drop Bit WBT Water Binary Tree % "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." -- Steel City News %